TIME TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET: I've been in there most of this weekend, trying to keep New Year's Resolution #4: Don't be such a damn slattern. Also spent considerable time practicing maneuvers at Wal-Mart and Target with the Retail Shopping Brigade. Got to keep America rolling, you know. Hence the lack of blogging in the last 81 or so hours. Sorry about that, but hopefully greater organization of surroundings will have positive effects on organization of mind. This is my theory, as yet untried, of better blogging through clean closets.

While at the checkout lane in Wal-Mart, I couldn't resist taking a look at the tabloids. As usual they are chock full of fresh warm schadenfreude. One claimed most dubiously that Monica Lewinsky had "hit rock bottom" recently. I think the sub-headline was "Snubbed. Jeered. Fat. Lonely." That does sound sad, but can her life really be worse now than when she was hunted by the press and a regular topic of Saturday Night Live? Or when she was waiting for Clinton's 2am phone calls and confiding all into Linda Tripp's tape recorder? I doubt it.

There was one that longed to be thrown on top of my cart filled with wooden coat hangers and closet shelving thingies, though, and I answered its siren call. This week the headline of The National Examiner reads: "MARTHA STEWART FRAUD! SHE'S FALLING APART! -sources say, I CAN'T DO IT ALL! -she tells insider." Inside we find there was just some monkey business with her IPO. That's why she's being charged with fraud. It's not because someone has finally realized that she doesn't do all that crap herself. Also, she's gained weight and has no boyfriend. Perhaps she should give Monica a call.